A victim’s torment

and fear are shared

by her family.
Editor’s note: The following is the last of four columns submitted by the Sexual Assault Crisis Center in observance of Sexual Assault Awareness Month. The author’s name has been withheld.

Last year, I had the opportunity to face the perpetrator who was found guilty of physically assaulting and raping my wife. The following is an excerpt of the victim impact statement that I wrote to the court:

I am here today to represent myself and our families, her children as well as my own; there are six children in all, with their ages ranging from 15 to 27.

My initial intention was to discuss the violations of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, and the Equal Employment Opportunity Act of 1972, and the Civil Rights Act of 1991, which amended the Civil Rights Act of 1964. However, I kept returning to the following list of descriptors: Sexual assault, sexual discrimination, gross sexual assault, criminal threatening, rape, raped, raping. I thought about how each describes an absolutely gross and heinous crime. Then I thought about myself, as a man, and asked one question: How could I or any other man perform such an act?

I found myself reflecting on the time when I was in the service serving as a military policeman. I thought I understood how women feel when they are abused, both physically and sexually. I saw how I made a difference in one’s life when a domestic or other dispute was dissolved. I never thought I would be subject to what was the aftermath of such a crime.

Our families have grown through this trying time. The older children have a newfound understanding of what it means to be hurt and threatened; the younger children now understand rape and how it effects someone. The part that I have found to be difficult is that this is, or was not, a case study presented in a classroom or lecture hall. This is actually happening; there are no controls or lesson plans to follow. I feel as though we have been flying by the seat of our pants trying to dance around the issues of rape with the kids.

However, it has been very hard for these young adults to face what has happened to their mother and role model.

I have found it difficult to watch the one that I love suffer so. This has hurt me more than watching a good friend die and not being able to do anything about it. I feel as though I have watched her die in some ways. She is not the vibrant, outgoing person that I met and fell in love with. My feelings and love for her are still very strong and unchanging.

Two separate psychologists, a licensed clinical social worker and one in-patient medical treatment team have treated my wife. The diagnoses are as follows: PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), Agoraphobia, anxiety and depressive disorders.

These crimes have affected our lifestyles dramatically. The actions of the defendant have made it very difficult for us to continue our lives the way they were prior to this. My wife is afraid to go out in public, go shopping, go to a restaurant for dinner. She has a very difficult time traveling away from her safety zone.

We find it very difficult to deal with the anxiety attacks that plague our ventures out into the public. My wife feels that I am embarrassed by her anxiety attacks when in public, even though I tell her that I don’t care what other people think.

The rest of us have lived these same horrors through her eyes and actions. I personally have relived these monstrous crimes through her intensive counseling sessions and through her dreams, which have been shared with me.

I have been told what a wonderful job I have done supporting my wife and holding our family together. I am not sure that I agree with this; I feel as though I had let her down even though I did not know what was happening. I feel that I should have protected her.

Also, I feel that at times I flounder with my thoughts and actions in regard to my wife. I want to protect her from everything that seems challenging to her.

So, I wake up every morning, breathe in and breathe out, get up and face the challenges of the day and live; this is all we can do, face the challenges of the day and press forward with our lives, one day and one step at a time.

Some days are better than others and I am so thankful that I still have her in our lives considering what the outcome of these crimes could have been.

For more information about the Sexual Assault Crisis Center, call 784-5272. The SACC 24-hour hotline is 1-800-871-7741.