Got an email from Barack Obama the other day. The subject line: “My best friend.” So there you have it. Me and Barack are apparently besties. We’re going bowling later. He doesn’t know this yet.

 

On East Avenue in Lewiston the other day, I saw a man who looked quite a lot like Donald Sutherland. Not young, svelte Sutherland, but the older, Keifer-spawning version with the fly-away beard and the red, rheumy eyes. I mean, the resemblance was eerie. I thought of stopping to talk to the fellow, but no. Every time I see Donald Sutherland, I think of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” and I was afraid he might point at me and do that weird tongue thing. I was just in no mood to become one of those gross pod people.

 

A half-dozen people wrote me this week to alert me to a naked man running wild around Pettingill Park in Auburn. I appreciate that you thought of me in these difficult times, but I’m afraid there has been some misunderstanding. My newest book is not going to be about naked men running through parks, as the rumors seem to suggest. The new book is, in fact, about naked pygmies who live in the canal system. Pre-order your copy today!

 

For weeks, all I heard about was the transformer on its way to Lewiston. When it finally arrived, it was just some battery-looking thing, not a giant, spiky dude with lasers shooting out of his eyes and the ability to morph into a toaster and stuff. It’s just . . . Nothing is ever what I hope it will be, you know? It’s like when you go into a dollar store and pick out an item only to find out it’s $3, not $1, as the sign over the door suggests. Disappointment is everywhere.

 

Also not what I thought it was going to be. I thought . . . Well, you know what I thought.

 

City councilors in Lewiston are mulling the matter of the “raised speed table” on College Street, a bump so high that some cars that went over it too fast were never seen again. So high, if you climb to the top of it, you’ll get a nosebleed, but you can see clear into Vermont. So high that when the guys go out to paint the traffic stripes, they need climbing ropes and Sherpas. This “raised speed table” rises so high into the Lewiston clouds, I sometimes climb it just because it’s there! Cold up there, though. And billy goats are everywhere.