You got nothing on me, copper
Ranking Lewiston police officers are retiring left and right these days and it’s bumming me out. Most of these guys began their careers around the same time I started at the paper, which leads me to believe that those weasels did a better job planning their exit strategies than I. Included in the list of disappearing cops is Lt. Danny LaChance, the one and only police officer in the Lewiston-Auburn area who has ever legit busted me for something. Happened back in ’94, it did, when LaChance and I were both noobs in our respective jobs. I was driving an old Subaru Justy with an expired inspection sticker, expired registration and muffler that dragged on the ground. When he pulled me over, I did the whole “Oh, I was JUST on my way to the garage, occifer,” but LaChance wasn’t buying it. I grew to like and respect LaChance over the years, but I got my revenge on him, anyway, by listing him with the wrong rank a bunch of times in various news stories. Take that, copper! I’m just glad he didn’t look in my trunk when he made the stop.

You got a warrant?
Shows what you know. The Subaru Justy didn’t even HAVE a trunk. Hell, it barely had an engine.

I’ve never seen this car in my life
By the time Occifer LaChance caught up with me, I’d already made several narrow escapes from the law. At one particular crime scene in Lewiston, I had the Lewiston police chief, the Androscoggin County sheriff and some hard-eyed State Police suit actually leaning up against my car with all of its expired stickers and dangling parts. Fortunately, they were distracted at the time by the deranged killer on the loose.

Does not compute
So, because I’ve been sinful or something, I was assigned to cover a school committee meeting on Wednesday, which as you know is done through Zoom these days like pretty much everything else. To make sure I captured the substance and spirit of the meeting, I used an automatic transcription service, a screen capture tool and Evernote. I don’t feel like a reporter these days, I feel like a minor character on “The Jetsons.” I shall submit an expense sheet pronto for the robot maid I so desperately need.

Instructions not included
If this weird trend continues, than everything of any importance will be done via Zoom, including weddings, funerals, bar brawls, first dates, seances, arm-wrestlin’ contests and the process required for making babies. Hey, don’t ask me how it works. Go invent that technology and make yourself a trillion dollars.