Target coming to Auburn

Lord, I hope they don’t put up yellow poles to control parking. Stick with those giant red balls, Target. Only a fool would ram into one of those. (Wait for it …)

Maine Legislature torches Viking-style funeral pyres bill

Waddaya mean? Are you telling me these rituals are illegal at the moment? Because I’ve got plans. BIG plans. The catapult is nearly finished.

Lewiston city administrator shake-up

I told you from the start that Ed Barrett would be tough to replace. That dude had an EPIC mustache. His is a hard upper lip to fill.

The sound of silence

Was all impressed Wednesday afternoon, when a span of more than an hour stretched by with not a single call over the police scanner that squawks around the clock on my desk. Finally, I figured. Peace had settled over the Lewiston-Auburn area and at last I could turn my attention from crime and mayhem to my true passion: floral arrangement. Unfortunately, it turns out I had messed up the settings on the scanner, so the silence was the result of boneheadery, not peace. Too bad. I guess it will be a little longer before I can get back to dabbling with posies and baby’s breath.

I AM the potato

I’m sad to report that the Potato Stick Shortage of 2021 continues, to the point where I’ve had to find other food items to randomly spill on my floor, only to step on them later and create a small mountain of crumbs. It’s getting so dire, I’m thinking about trying to make my own potato sticks. How hard can it be? I’ll take some time off from work, get a couple potatoes and then painstakingly settle into a routine of carving little sticks out of its flesh with a tiny knife until I have enough to bake in the oven and then jam into my mouth. There’s probably a faster way to do this, but I like to establish a relationship with the potato. Become one with it. You’ll see evidence of this in my daily behavior.

This or that

I see that the always-exciting “Fireworks or Gunshots?” game is underway in Lewiston’s Greater Residential Downtown Area. This spring, we’ve got some exciting new games to go along with that one, namely: “Allergies or Plague?” and “Skunk or Pot?” The latter is double the fun since we now have an estimated 16,000 marijuana dispensaries to add to the challenge.