Talk of the Town Ernie Anderson
That sinking feeling
As if the times aren’t weird enough already, now they’re telling us we need to beware of quicksand at Popham Beach. No, really. There’s quicksand now, so if you were planning to head down to the lagoon for some of Mary Ann’s delicious coconut pies later, you better watch where you step, little buddy. I imagine next Popham will be vexed by a giant spider, a robot, vengeful tiki gods, an unexploded missile, roving bands of headhunters, a ghost in a crisp white sheet and a volcano because why the hell not? If we’re just stealing from the Gilligan’s Island script, we might as well lean into it.
Is there something on my back?
Did you have “massive flying venomous spiders” on your springtime bingo card? Because now critter experts say these horrors may be heading our way. “The spiders, which are as large as human hands, have four inch long legs with a body that’s vibrant yellow and grey,” according to one description of the arachnids. Normally I’d offer a girlish shriek and go hide in my shower at this news, but I’m still waiting for the murder hornets and zombie cicadas to arrive. I’ll just remain calm until I see Drew Desjardins running and screaming down Lisbon Street and then I’ll panic. Oh, I’ll panic plenty.
Forgiveness
Got an email on Wednesday from a group alerting me that I may be eligible for relief from my crippling student loans. Said they tried contacting me at my home in Sweetwater, Texas, but were unable to reach me. Obviously, this email is great news on two fronts. For one thing, I had no idea I had me a sweet retirement villa in the Lone Star State. And for another, I was always under the impression that I ain’t had no book learnin’ so it was nice to learn that I actually went to college after all. I’ll probably ask for a raise now because clearly I’m wicked smart.
Lewiston may switch to automated trash pickup
Oh, here we go. Another step forward for the robot army that aims to take us over. To protest this outrage, I may get myself all stank up and go stand very still by the curb to see what happens. It the stupid robot picks me up… Well, I haven’t thought that far ahead so I don’t know what happens next. And don’t ask me how I plan to stink myself up, neither. I’ve got a system and the less you know about it, the better.
Bat thing!
I saw the bat thing again the other day. And by “bat thing,” I mean the person wearing a flowing black gown who goes whizzing by my house on a electric scooter from time to time. I don’t know if it’s a nun, a graduate from some school or just a kid in costume, but I’ll tell you this: If I see one of those freakish flying spiders, I’m gonna hijack that sucker.
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