Dad frustrated that daughter refuses to see the truth

Jeanne Phillips

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, “Virginia”, age 27, lives with her boyfriend, “Ray,” on the East Coast and teaches kindergarten. Last month, she confided that she had caught him cheating. She saw texts on his phone. When she confronted him, Ray immediately confessed and was very apologetic, but he also kept the woman’s number in his phone.

Ray will soon be moving to another state, and her job will end in about three weeks. Virginia is seriously considering going with him and has also mentioned marriage. Her mother and I are divorced due to her mother’s infidelity, but we agree that we will counsel her not to stay with him. Although he took responsibility, cheating is destructive in any serious relationship.

I have gone back and forth with Virginia via email, but sometimes she stops communicating. I haven’t been harsh, but I did ask her why Ray would keep the other woman’s number unless he wanted to remain in contact with her.

Can you think of anything else a worried dad can do to help the situation? Obviously, Virginia can ignore parental advice and do what she wants. I am also wondering what I can say to Ray when I see him next. I neither want to give him a pass nor condemn him as a monster. — STRONG DAD IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DAD: Talk with your daughter, face-to-face if possible. Tell her that, as an adult, she can do what she wants, but as a caring parent, you cannot stay silent. Remind her that Ray KEPT THE OTHER WOMAN’S NUMBER, which means he intends at some point to contact her. Explain that, to you, this means he is less committed to your daughter than he should be.

As to what you might say to Virginia’s boyfriend, tell him you are disgusted by his selfishness and dishonesty, and he doesn’t deserve your daughter. If you have any more thoughts on the subject you would like to share, feel free to air them.

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DEAR ABBY: What would you say about a man who offered his wife’s siblings an all-expense-paid trip to Paris, knowing that his wife could not consider going on such a trip because of mobility issues?

Full disclosure: The husband and wife have been to Paris in the past (when the wife’s health was OK), but the husband feels the need to go again and has no one else to accompany him. His wife will be left home alone to fend for herself. Somehow, this whole deal leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Please set me straight. — HOMEBODY IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR HOMEBODY: People with physical disabilities travel internationally all the time. If the husband has the money to take his wife’s siblings on an all-expense paid trip to Paris, surely he could afford to take his wife AND A CAREGIVER with him on that trip down memory lane. That way, she would be looked after and still be able to enjoy the trip to the degree that she’s able. Has no one suggested it besides me?

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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in “What Every Teen Should Know.” Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

(EDITORS: If you have editorial questions, please contact Clint Hooker, clint.hooker@andrewsmcmeel.com.)

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