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Talk of the Town Ernie Anderson
Colder than a witch’s what, now?
Yes, yes, it’s very cold outside, but I ain’t shivering. I get prepared for the cold like I’m an arctic explorer heading for the outhouse. Long Johns? Check. Base layer on my upper body? Oh, yeah. Extra thick socks? Like you read about, bruh. I have a Carhartt coat good to something like 30 below zero; I’ve got a coon skin trapper hat with extra plush ear flaps; I’ve got a super duper thick balaclava and some down mitts from REI. As soon as the temp drops to zero, I throw all of this on and then find myself passing out in the bread aisle at Hannaford after about three minutes of shopping. I could scale back on the layers, I suppose, but as it happens, passing out in the bread aisle is a great way to meet new people.
Are you cold? Let’s do some math!
Have you noticed how hard it is these days to figure out how cold it actually is? The weather people are always muddying the matter by inventing new terms: wind chill, real feel, relative outdoor temperature . . . I like to simplify things by going out into the driveway in my underpants. However many seconds it takes before I start screaming, that’s the only number I need to know. I call this one the “Wicked ^%!#@ Cold Index.”
Choo choo
So, the train people are apparently increasing their speed by nearly double from now on as they zip through Auburn. I can see this only as a positive. Waiting for a train to pass at that crossing near Denny’s is a miserable experience. I once went from clean shaven to fully bearded while waiting for a dawdling train to clear the tracks there and by the time I got moving again, I forgot where I was going. The only downside to the faster trains is that it will be harder to read some of the cool graffiti written on the boxcars. That Zack Attack from Butte, Montana really has a potty mouth on him.
Tik Tok flip flop
So, after all the hoopla of Tik Tok getting canceled and then resurrected, I decided to give the service a try for the first time. So far, I’ve watch videos of a guy shaving a bar of soap to deodorize his toilet, a dude making a BLT sandwich, another dude zapping himself while jumpstarting a car, and a lady playing in the snow with a pair of frozen pants. I don’t feel that my life has been enriched in any way, but I DO suddenly feel warm thoughts about Communist China. Maybe I’ll have a more rewarding experience when I get my Only Fans page going.
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